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The Do's and Don'ts of Toddler Discipline

8/28/2013

1 Comment

 
PictureBy Tom Limbert
So you’ve got yourself a little toddler there – good times. Dana Carvey once quipped “They’re not so bad, just keep M&M’s in your pocket and feed ‘em here and there.” If only it were so easy. What makes them so terrible sometimes? That answer is not as mysterious as it sometimes seems (e.g., in the eye of a tantrum at Target checkout). Think about it – right now while you’re calm and not tantrumming back at them. What are they grappling with that we have learned and hence take for granted? Two things: they don’t know how to communicate yet and they don’t know how to manage the overwhelming emotions they’re experiencing for the first time. Wouldn’t that make you want to freak out?

Well, the next time your toddler does, take solace in the fact that you have choices on how to react. What’s more, if you make the “right” choices, they’re gonna’ freak out less and less. I’m going to elaborate but first, allow me to establish some irrefutable truths of human nature – truths that will light your way in your quest to curb your toddler’s unruly behavior and hence bring you more peace and quiet.

  1. Human beings wish to be treated with respect. It’s innate and it’s evident as early as one year. If you want your child to heed your guidance, you will want to treat him with respect.
  2. Children don’t naturally want to “misbehave.” Sure they’re wired to test a bit, but if they do it repeatedly it’s because they have been conditioned to or have not been taught how else to behave.
  3. The word “discipline” has a latin meaning of “instruction, knowledge.” “Disciple” means “learner.” (please note the absence of the terms “training” or “punishment.”)
  4. Young children learn best by modeling behavior.
  5. “Anger is the enemy of instruction.” OK, it’s a quote from eleven-time NBA championship coach Phil Jackson, but I’m putting it here in the irrefutable truths section. Think about it. Frustration and anger just distract humans from attaining messages.
Now, watch how these do’s and don’ts flow seamlessly from these truths. The next time your toddler is faced with a challenge – be it physical, social, emotional, cognitive or all of the above – and proceeds to lose her marbles, keep these do’s and don’ts in mind:

  • Do Accept – You want to meet the situation with an understanding that your child has not learned how to communicate or react yet and is behaving perfectly natural (albeit annoying). If you meet your child with a sense of understanding and acceptance, it will color your reaction and make your child more willing to adhere to your advice and support.
  • Don’t Get Defeated – Your confidence is key and should be bolstered by the fact that you know these situations are inevitable. Helping your child in these moments is very much part of your role now (albeit annoying). You’ll be much more effective if you can manage to accept this as well as your child’s behavior.
  • Do Empathize – This ties into the acceptance piece and the #1 truth above. If you can somehow convey to your child that you genuinely feel for him in these (albeit annoying) moments, it will go a long way towards gaining his cooperation.
  • Don’t Exude Frustration – You’re a leader and a teacher. If you get all flustered, you won’t be able to communicate effectively and your child will not only be distracted from your messages – you will ironically be reinforcing the very behavior you wish to curb. (This flows from the truth I didn’t list: It’s fun to watch mom or dad sweat.)
  • Do Interpret – Try to decipher what your child is telling you through her behavior. What’s the message here and how did your own behavior or tone influence the scenario? (that part’s not easy)
  • Don’t Ignore – There’s a time and place when the best thing to do is simply to ignore a child’s behavior. But it will be both disrespectful and ineffective if you skip all the other steps.
  • Do Teach – Once you’ve interpreted, it’s time to impart. You can do this through both your calm words and your actions. What understanding or language is she missing that will help now and next time?
  • Don’t Train – Best to stay away from bribes unless you think Dana Carvey was onto something (hint: he’s a comedian). As these little guys get older, you can start to explain the benefits associated with making the right choices. Calmly remind them what’s in it for them – much more effective long term than bribes and threats.
  • Do Redirect – For these young ones, especially when they’re all fired-up, you don’t want to get caught lecturing – keep it brief and then move the attention to the next activity. Sell it a bit. If you can somehow tie that activity towards what she wanted in the first place, but in a more acceptable manner, all the better. You’ll be showing your child that you respect her (that makes humans more willing to listen).
  • Don’t Punish – If you in fact accept all five truths above – especially #2 (I like making you read them again)– then it follows that punishing young children is futile. Just ask yourself: Do I want to teach my child that when he gets frustrated and tests limits he will be punished, or teach him that there are alternatives to his behavior, he can make better choices, it will benefit him in the end, and I am here to help him learn all that?
  • Do Disengage from Conflict – There will no doubt be times when you have done all you can and your child is still not having any of it. We’ve all had moments where everyone lost their cool. We all know what good that did us. Disengage and their tantrums will lose power and eventually cease.
  • Don’t Engage in Conflict – Getting worked up? They already know our buttons. Just respectfully and calmly tell your child YOU need to calm down and walk away from the battle. Stick to whatever lesson you were teaching and tell him you’re ready to help him more when you both calm down; balance empathy with calm, confident consistency.
The hardest part in all of this is keeping your own emotions under control when your child is pushing your buttons (see – didn’t you like me better when I understood you?). But if you can manage to do more of these “do’s” and less of these “don’ts,” you’ll find your child will internalize the lessons sooner. That’ll give you more time to read parenting articles – joy!

See more of Tom's articles at ParentCoachTom.com
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1 Comment

Help Your Children Slow Down

8/10/2013

2 Comments

 
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  • Start a "no technology time" in your home. Turn off the computers, DVDs, TVs, cell phones, etc. Let your children get "bored" because that is where creativity starts.
  • Reserve one night a week as Family Night. Watch a movie and eat popcorn. Keep it simple. Just be together.
  • Create a "Quiet Time" for 15 minutes a day. Set a timer for your younger children.
  • Make weekends a time to rest and recharge for the week ahead.
Reference: Doe, Mimi. Busy But Balanced. New York: St. Martin's Griffin, 2003.


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24 Tips for a Better Life

8/3/2013

2 Comments

 
  1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.
  2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Buy a lock if you have to.
  3. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, 'My purpose is to__________ today.'
  4. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
  5. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, wild Alaskan salmon, broccoli, almonds & walnuts.
  6. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
  7. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
  8. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a  college kid with a maxed out charge card.
  9. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
  10. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
  11. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
  12. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
  13. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
  14. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
  15. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
  16. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'
  17. Forgive everyone for everything.
  18. What other people think of you is none of your business.
  19. God heals almost everything.
  20. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
  21. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
  22. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
  23. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements: I am thankful for__________. Today I accomplished _________.
  24. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.

    Found on many blogs and websites. :-)
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